To Whom Shall We Go?

As I stared at the night sky in the year's first minutes, I felt a little troubled. The juxtapositioning of New Years melancholia and a few thoughts I'd had recently created an odd cocktail. I couldn't tell if my teeth were chatting through cold or anxiety, but the thoughts I had were important. They were the first step in addressing something that had creeping in recently, an overwhelming sense of greyness. The world had lost a sense of vibrancy.

A friend gave me a Qu'ran recently and I read a few chapters of it with great interest. As I journeyed through the various claims about the nature of God I became aware that this could potentially the beginning of an episode in which I converted to Islam. A strange thought but not an impossible one. I mean, all it would take would be for a tiny fragment to capture my imagination or a curiosity that snowballed. I think it seems foolish to say it couldn't happen to anyone. People with stronger faiths than I renounce their faith. Some continue in their faith yet are able to continuously commit the biggest sins their faith tradition prohibits; matrimonial unfaithfulness, large scale monetary fraud, and of course one particular institution is rife with paedophillia in its upper ranks. To suggest that I couldn't be diverted "off course" seems a bit, well, wrong.

On New Years Eve there was a knock at the door. Jehovah's Witnesses! I gleefully answered the door to them and, in the December cold, chatted for a solid twenty minutes. We discussed all sorts of topics, the misrepresentation of Islam, the Day to Come and the nature of faith. There are plenty of things I agree with, faith wise, with the Witnesses. Of course the things we disagree on are fairly foundational to our faiths. The ineffable mystery that Jesus could be God's son yet also God himself simultaneously seemed to be a bit of a stretch for Josephine and Benjamin. Some days this almost ridiculous and seemingly logically flawed belief presents itself to me as a mystery too, but in the same way I don't understand Astrophysics, I still hold on to my belief that the Bible states Jesus is God. The chat did throw a curveball at me which prompted me to do some digging into the claim that a particular world changing prophecy came true in 1914. I even took to contacting a friend of mine, a lovely lady I used to work with who is a Witness herself to find out more.

And so, the daydreams began again. After months of being worn down, by both their never-say-die attitude to ministry and my ability to get caught up in things, I finally join the Witnesses. Half of my family refuses to speak to me again after their efforts to dissuade me fall on deaf ears. I leave my church. Perhaps to those I leave behind, my new found faith looks like a moral failure. Some may even see it as a grand deception, as if my Christian faith was a massive act and I was never really "a true believer" to begin with. Some stick by me though, while not necessarily being thrilled with my choice, continuing to be friends and being there for me.

So how would I fare as a Witness? Would my social anxiety prevent me from knocking on doors and proclaiming the Good News. Would I be at peace with the niche I had found in the world and pull off life with the Watchtower with relative ease. Would I find the deep inner realm of organisation's underbelly  to be sinister and long for a way out, feeling trapped and manipulated? 

From the stories I've read the latter seems like the obvious choice. Yet, despite that, the idea of spending 18 months in, what some can only describe as a cult, while everyone in the real world worries to despair is an exciting thought. There's a lot in there. Imagine seeing the world with fresh eyes, all things exciting again. The things you previously held to be true turn out to be wrong. Its scary but the world becomes a much bigger place. The prescription changes and everything changes hue. That's radically exciting. Plus, I once saw a young woman knocking on doors once who was breathtakingly beautiful, perhaps I would get the opportunity to be be politely rejected by her!

However, my eventful and eventual redemption provides for a sweet tale too. A teary hug from my pastor as I'm welcomed back to the fold, a renewed clarity of thought now that things have changed once again, opening my first birthday presents after what would be known as "the wilderness years" Essentially, my daydreams are weird expressions of a desire to be in a narrative where I feel loved, be it by friends and family or new relationships made through entering a new circle. I also long to see the world with wide eyed wonder. That's what everyone wants right?

As I pondered these things while I watched the fireworks this incident from the life of Christ, recorded in the Gospel of John came to mind.

John 6:67-69

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”

To whom shall I go? There are times when I feel like I'm in a cult. Times when I wonder if my faith is the result of Christians taking advantage of me when I was vulnerable and going through a rough patch, But, honestly, what life is there beyond following Jesus? Living for Jesus already puts me in a narrative where I am loved way more than I could ever imagine, by God himself. Wow. Half the time I don't feel loved, and a lot of the time The Christian Life is not glamorous but despite that, I still hold on. Jesus is real and he is King.

As for seeing the world with wide eyed wonder, I'll admit the world has greyed substantially from when my faith was new and colourful. But beneath the grime of life, church rotas and bad perspectives on things, the world is still vibrant as ever, directed by an even more vibrant King.  There are still opportunities for learning and adventure. Plenty of Easter eggs hidden in this world that can only be appreciated if you and God find them together. I'm going to have to fight for this wonder. But I won't get there by doing more for me, but by depending on God. But I can't complain I'm not getting calls if I'm not listening for the phone. I'm going to have to pray and study the Bible diligently to find it, because once I begin to see God with a renewed sense of wonder, everything else will change too.