The Fault in Our Star Wars

I was 11 years old when I had my appendix out. The year was 2001, so at this point there were only four Star Wars movies but a fifth was on the horizon. I received the diagnosis of appendicitus at about 6:30pm on a Tuesday 5^th March. I remember the trip to the hospital as every speed bump bought about a sharp pain to my abdomen. Six hours in A&E later, a surgeon named Alex said that 12:30am was no time to be doing operations and the procedure had to wait until the following morning. Flash forward twelve and a half hours and the whole thing was a success. Life without an appendix had just begun! I remember everything about the whole misadventure, from diagnosis to discharge, vividly.

There are some childhood memories I have where I am unsure wether I remember them at all. One of my earliest “memories” is playing in a paddling pool on the patio with Emma. I was about two and a half. I don't know if I actually remember this or wether I simply remember the dozens of photos of that particular day. Memory is a strange thing.

Picture the Scene: 1996. I am seven years old. The Saturday afternoon ritual of going to Moonlight Movies, our local video rental shop, situated on the same roundabout as Hepworth's Fish and Chips is well established in the Bateman household. One fateful afternoon, we rented Star Wars and I was introduced to the world of Luke Skywalker and friends. I have no recollection of watching it at all. I have no memory of watching the second Star Wars film but I know for a fact that I have. Unfortunately, I never got around to renting Return of the Jedi.

Flash forward to 1999 and Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was released. I saw that one at the cinema but remember very little of the experience. However is that the video game tie in was nothing short of incredible. Sure, It had a few annoying bugs and it was actually possible to save the game whilst dying which meant if you loaded the game you would be greeted with a game over screen. As for the difficulty, it was incredibly stressful and I never got to the end. In fact, I don't know anyone who finished that game. The point being, most of my Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace knowledge, the characters, plot and setting, come from that game and not the actual film.

There were two other Star Wars films made after that but I have no emotional connection to either of them or the circumstances in which I saw them.

My friend Chris made this in 2006. I never fully understood it. That's me on the left.

Star Wars is everywhere. This reminds me of my paddling pool story from earlier. I have seen most of the films but I do not actually remember watching them. Miraculously, I have managed to cope. It is impossible to exist alongside Star Wars Fans without absorbing tidbits of trivia via osmosis. That is not enough. One cannot be a fan of Star Wars fuelled by second hand memories and hype. It is not enough to know that Admiral Gial Ackbar's most famous line is “It's a trap” without experiencing it firsthand for yourself. I've spent most of my teenage and adult life not even sure if I actually like Star Wars.

Then the new Star Wars film was announced. A lot of my friends were excited but unsurprisingly I was fairly nonplussed. In the build up to the release of The Force Awakens, I finally found time to watch Return of the Jedi this year and it was a good film. I was surprised that, despite being friends with thousands of Star Wars super fans I had no idea how “The Whole Of Star Wars” ended. Shrugs all round.

I made a conscious decision to go see The Force Awakens on my own. Being a fairly contrary fellow I figured that other people would influence my decision. I would rebel against the general consensus for the sake of controversy. I was so confident in my mind that would be the best approach, I even dreamt I saw it on my own. One can't argue with prophesy. I would pay my money, watch the major motion picture on my own, and my opinions would be pure, untainted. I didn't watch the trailer, I didn't read anything about the film, I didn't even know the names of any of the new characters. I avoided everything I could as I was determined to discover, for myself, wether I actually liked Star Wars or not.

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens is 137 minutes long and is really good.

O Holy Night

My choir experience is finally over. It all happened last night and quite truthfully, it was incredible. Simply put, it has been an emotional roller coaster from start to finish. So, before I go into the details of the night itself let us take a trip down memory lane to figure out how I got myself into this mess in the first place.

On October the 23^rd I received a Whatsapp message from one of the worship leaders from church that simply read “Choir this year?” followed by some music note emojis and I cautiously obliged. A mixture of excitement and unease filled my being as I was not quite sure what I had let myself in for!

I turned up to the first practise not really sure what to expect. As has been mentioned the whole affair was a source of profound confusion from the very beginning.

As the weeks passed I became more and more confident with the idea of being in the choir. My family winced as I practised at home, bellowing God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen at any given opportunity. Slowly but surely, I was beginning to be able to hit the notes I needed and navigate my way around the dozens of pages of sheet music that had been given to me.

Then, came the darkness. Having missed a practise session the week previous due to a preaching commitment I began to feel a little bit behind. The following Sunday, after a busy week, I found myself tired, groggy and feeling a little ill. I considered not going to practise for a second week running. I then remembered that I was unable to make the next week's practise too. I agonised about going to bed but something inside me spurred me on. I was going to be in the choir and no-one could stop me.

The King's Centre Choir 2015

Flash forward to the real thing: I was on stage, dressed in a bright red jumper (choral uniform apparently) feeling sick with nerves. Seven members of my family, who don't make a habit of going to these kind of events, came to watch, occupying a whole row right in the middle of the church. The administration elements of being in the choir overcame me as I constantly dropped my music and turned to the wrong pages. In some cases, I had managed to lose the words and had to mime a song or two. The whole thing certainly was a baffling ordeal.

But I did it. We did it. I loved it. The whole thing has meant a great deal to me as I've done things I never thought I would ever do. We sang in unison, we sang harmonies, we even sang with a live band. And people loved it! Lots of people were uplifted by it and were able to share in the joy of Christmas because of an unlikely group of singers all with different stories, backgrounds, proficiencies and abilities banded together to sing praises to Jesus. Beautiful. 

Cryptic Christmas

A colleague of mine once received a set of coat hangers as their secret Santa present. The incident is fairly famous at work as among one of the biggest secret Santa disasters.

I've been through several Secret Santas and each experience has taught me a little something about the human condition. Here are a few reflections to help you survive the festive merriment.

You Are Not That Interesting 

While we can all dream of a present that is a playful yet thoughtful reference to one of your most lovable quirks, the laws of probability states your gift giver probably won't have a relationship with you that allows them to be privy to those kinds of insights. After all, you are probably not as interesting as you consider yourself. Consumables like bath soaps, chocolates or upmarket fudge are all fairly safe bets. If you're getting these than you can assume your gift giver doesn't really know an awful lot about you, but fortunately they wish you no harm.  

It Is More Blessed To Give Than To Receive

I hooked that one straight about of the Bible, and it is kind of what Christmas is about. One year, I struck gold with my random allocation and managed to get the perfect present. The recipient loved their gift so much they posted a picture of it on Facebook and it got about 10 likes. My gift on the other hand was a little bit disappointing. I received an alcoholic beverage, which was no use to me as I average about two drinks a year.  I was so cross about the whole thing I proudly told my colleague that I had bought her the gift she loved so dearly. Just because you got someone a great gift, doesn't mean you deserve one - doing good things with a sense of entitlement is terrible and bad.

Secret Santa Is Not The Place To Try Out Your Comedic Talents

This one is fairly obvious. If someone in the office was hospitalised by a boar in October, a cuddly pig is probably not the best choice. Unless you have a great relationship with the person and you know they're cool with whatever aspect of their character you're subtly mocking steer clear of anything comedic. I've never known anyone to be upset by a box of country fudge. I am also yet to see nipple tassells go down well. Some free advice there.

Have Fun And Don't Be An Idiot

The gift you receive probably isn't a deep insight into what people think of you as a person. Because people like to receive nice gifts they also tend to avoid giving intentionally bad ones. Secret Santa is not designed to be a baffling ordeal but is designed so everyone you work with might get a present, have a laugh and enjoy Christmas a little bit more.

In case you are wondering, I received some chocolate this year, which falls into the giver probably doesn't know me very well so got me a safe gift and that is okay category. Maybe I'll get the Bulgarian Phrasebook next year....

Life in HD

Online Thesaurus Shopping

This week, I had a enthralling conversation with a colleague about a new book I had purchased. I was incredibly animated about The Usborne Junior Thesaurus. Declaring it a "game-changer" I insisted the school needed to order about 30 copies of it. The response was a bemused:

"Your head must be a wonderful place to be, Batman"

As it happens, it is.

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain is one of the most important books I have ever read. In it, she talks about how naturally quiet or introverted people tick. As it turns out, we have super reactive brains.  People who fall in this category have "rich inner personal lives" but also have trouble switching off effectively.  Always and constantly working, noticing things.  I read every single sign I see. I can listen to multiple conversations at once. I am afraid of firework displays. The best way to describe it is Life in High Definition

Sometimes these things are awesome sometimes it makes life a baffling ordeal because it is absolutely exhausting. By four o'clock today I could barely string a sentence together and it was bad news as I had to deliver a Bible story and lead an assembly style thing with the kids. My situation wasn't helped by the fact I got in at one o'clock this morning having been to see Anna Von Hausswolff perform in some hipster bar in Hackney.

But, there's a way to overcome the exhaustion caused by stimulation and that is do things you are passionate about. I was surprised at how I managed to survive the afternoon (I shouldn't be surprised as we had prayed beforehand!)

Reading a half reasonable explanation on how my brain may or may not work has helped me to look after myself. I know that if I'm feeling down for no particular reason, it may be overstimulation. I know not to do too much or face exhaustion. But switching off is incredibly hard, so I'll just write 350 words about needing to switch off rather than actually do it.

11 days until I sing in a choir.